ugh, whats wrong with me

Ok i guess its about that time again where i am feeling just horrible about everything. So im sorry in advance if you read this only to wish you wouldnt have. Im having so many issues right now and i dont even know where to begin. First the word relaxation is not even in my dictonary. I dont know the last time that i felt relaxed and comfortable and im not sure why that is. I could be sittin doing nothing at all and im still tense and uptight and worrying my butt off. Not just about any one thing in particular, just EVERYTHING. I constantly feel like crud, im guessing i can thank PCOS for that one. Never have any energy to do anything anymore. I cant even sleep unless i take some sort of sleep aid and even then sometimes i cant or i wake up throughout the night. When i lay down to go to sleep something inside my head switches over to thinking mode and i cant turn it off!!!!

Infertility /PCOS journey link updated

Hey all, i just wanted to let you know that my link "infertility journey" at the top of the page is not updated. I posted my PCOS and Infertility story. Feel free to read it. Hope you all are having a wonderful day so far and i will be back later to write more.

Hugs

stressing

Now that i know its too late to say that i wanna stay in the study, im starting to stress alot about getting pregnant. Im hoping this this cycle will work, currently on cd6 and day 4 of the clomid and i just dont know what i will do if i doesnt work this month. I kept telling myself that i would just keep charting and temping in every attempt to make sure that we dont miss ovulation, but what if ovulation doesnt happen? what if this study was my only shot at getting pregnant? I have found today that im more stressed than usual about this and kinda feel like im starting to get depressed about it. Why is it that women have to go through infertility like this when our bodies are designed to make babies to keep "life" going? its just not fair and im getting very frustrated with all of it. Am i not meant to be the one thing that i want to be most? ugh :( idk anymore. I dream all the time about having a baby and while im dreaming, its all so real. And then, i wake up feeling more and more sad everytime i realize that it was just a dream. I have so much love for a baby that i dont even have and wonder if i ever will. My life feels so incomplete right now and i hate it. When will it be my turn? I am trying to hard to not to turn bitter and angry over all of this but sometimes i just cant help it. I dont feel like i deserve this. I am mad. I am sad. I am devastated.  Sorry if this was a depressing post but its just how im feeling right now.

Night all.

Happy new year, 2011

My first post of 2011! Woo hoo im very excited to start a new year and am praying that things go better this year than they did the last. Last year wasnt as bad as some years that i have gone through but it is def not what i would consider a good year thats for sure. This year my hopes and dreams are as follows:

Get pregnant!!

Better my relationships

Learn to eat a healthier diet

Get my Bc Designs busniess really going

and many many more things. I dont wanna set my expectations too high for myself only to feel like a failure if i dont accomplish all the things that i wanted to. Thats why i call them "my hopes for 2011".

Tommorrow i am going to start some kind of workout routine to hopefully help with my infertility issue that i face again this year. My plan is to start out working out at least 2 or 3 days a week and go from there. I am currently on CD 5 and day 3 of clomid, my last round of it. I am soo hoping that it works for us this round, what a way that would be to start the new year huh?!

Nothing much has really been going on the last few days, i redesigned my blog design page! In my opinion it looks great :) I have had a toothache thats been causing a headache that just makes me miserable. Ugh. Watched some new movies over the last few days. Other than that, nada!

Night all.

thoughts thoughts and more thoughts

Today has been a rough day for me for many of reasons. So if youve had a great day and dont feel like reading my bitchiness i will understand lol. I have for one decided that im not going to continue this study. I will take the last round of pills i have and pray that it works. Its just too stressful dealing with the dr visit every two weeks or so and the blood draws and the ultrasounds and the pills and the charting and temping. The negative pregnancy test really screw with me every month too. I have found that i am so stressed out that i am snapping at everything and everyone about anything. I am constantly on edge and it sucks. Its making everything in my life seem like its 100 times worse than it really is and truthfully i cant stand myself for it. I dont intend on stopping the whole ttc thing, maybe just not trying as hard, I feel like i am a slave to infertility and i think its ruining my life haha. So i will continue temping and tracking ovulation and am even thinkin about going back on metformin. In the future i may decided to go back full force but now is totally not the time. Maybe stressing a bit less will even help. Being in a study for fertility was a bit more than i thought it would be. I mean, you have to BD according to their schedule or you cant even be in it. Now that was prolly the hardest thing hubby and i dealt with. It even caused us to fight a couple of times. So that just added more stress lol Anyways, moving right along...

Since i got 7th heavens first two seasons and watched them all, i have this sudden urge to be like annie camden.

This is seriously like a modern day supermom. She does everything! Seriously, who has time in one day to do all the things that she does. Raise 5 kids, deal with all their problems, keeps her husband happy, cooking, baking, cleaning, laundry. wow she is my role model lol lol Yeah i told my hubby tonight that i want to be like her, still got a ways to go but i think i can do it! I truly wanna be a stay at home wife and mother and dammit thats what im going to do!

so my plans for tomorrow is to clean. Like really clean. I live with three guys and its almost impossible to keep this place clean! Is it really that hard to put the toilet seat down??? I dont think so. Im telling you, one of these days my butt is going to get stuck in the toilet bowl and it wont be too funny to have to call the fire department to get me out!! HaHa ok maybe a little funny, but come on guys, have some respect for the lady in the house!

I think while im at it i will go through everything in the house and get rid of some stuff. I think we may have to much randomness going on over here. Ok well thats enough of my thoughts for the night. LOL night all

Temp dropped this AM

So last night after i got over the whole BFFN i started to think maybe i would be one of those people who gets late BFP. So my hope was raised just a bit and i figured i would wait a couple days and test again. So much for that my temp dropped this morning down to the cover line and im all sorts of crampy today. Ugh i hate u mother nature, what did i do to deserve you coming around again? I thought i asked you nicely to stay away  for at least 9 months. I see that being nice gets me no where lol.

Anyways i think im ok with this now, in a few days i will start my next round of pills and hubby says were going to try as hard as we can this month. Were also going to use pre-seed to see if maybe that helps.

Today i intend on some, Winter Cleaning. The house needs it really. And my stepson seems to think that i am his private maid service therefore he can just make messes everywhere and i will clean them up! LOL its time for a reality check! talk to you all later and hope you have a wonderful day :)

I knew it would be the hardest

Well i havent wrote for a few days, since before christmas. So here is a recap of things that have been going on.

Christmas day was  pretty good. I got up on christmas morning and took a pregnancy test with all the hope and confidence in the world. It was Negative. Ugh. I cried for a bit and picked myself back up and did my very best to have a good day and told myself i prolly tested early again. I was 11 dpo. Had a pretty good rest of the day with hubby and my dad.  I feel very blessed to have gotten the things that i did. Got most of what i wanted actually. Hubby got me a new digital camera, i got a few movies i wanted ( twilight eclipse, my sisters keeper, & Remember me) i got two seasons of 7th heaven, seasons 1 & 2. I got my fav perfume, curve, A make up brush kit and my favorite of all, my new bedding set i have been wanting for quite sometime. A dark brown comforter and a light blue sheet set. 450 thread count and oh so comfy, here is a pic, but it does no justice lol

haha sorry about the mess on the bed was putting christmas stuff away:) A big thanks to my hubby and my dad for getting this for me even though they could not figure out why it was so expensive :)

We didnt have Lil Geromy Christmas day but we did have him sunday evening, for those of you who do not know, we have him everyother week for a week at a time. Anyways here are some pictures from sunday when he got here and got to open his presents.

" oh no, is it clothes?"

woo hoo grandpa del got him a psp!

Nothing too much went on on monday hubby was off work so we spent most of the day watching 7th heaven lol.

Today was pretty uneventful as well, except when i realized i was 14 dpo and my temps were still up and no signs of af, so as usual i got really excited and was thinkin :this is it" hubby and i went and got a 3 pack of first response HPT and i was soooo nervous when i went to take the test that my heart was pounding. I watched it as it read, and sadly, it was only one pink, lonely line. I walked into the bedroom layed down and cried for prolly about an hour. Hysterically. I knew this would be the hardest month for me since everything was lookin so positive and we did everything right, so i was just, devastated.

there it is. ugly stupid BFFN yes there is an extra "f" in there and im sure you can all figure out what it means ;) So i guess its on to next month. Have a great night everyone.