Pregnancy #2 & Related fears

I always have wanted to have 3 kids. The typical 3 kids, cat and a dog, house with a white fence etc. I knew from a early age that i was most likely going to have problems getting pregnant because my cycles were just so messed up. It took 4 long years to get to baby #1. The older Jace has gotten the more and more I am wanting to start trying for baby # 2 but i feel like i cant. I am scared of having Preeclampsia and or HELLP syndrome again. I am afraid that if i do get it again it will kill me. Many times i have gone back and forth with myself, with hubby about the possibility of just not having another baby. These thoughts have even gone as far as keeping me up all night with different scenarios running through my mind. These thoughts have taken up hours and hours of daily thoughts. I have decided that i will have one more. I have not started trying yet, im still very scared and i dont feel nearly healthy enough to become pregnant right now. I wish i was. I wish i didnt have to have these fears running through my mind all the time. I envy women who can get pregnant easily and have happy, healthy pregnancies. I feel cheated. As a woman i feel that its what i am meant to do and its problem after problem. Problem getting pregnant, problems during pregnancy, problems after pregnancy. 

Statistically speaking, preeclampsia is know as "the first pregnancy condition". Often times it doesnt repeat itself in later pregnancies but at the same time it often does. I guess it all depends on other factors such as, how early or late in the pregnancy you got it, how bad did you have it etc. For me, i developed it at 35/36 weeks, i do not know how severe it would have gotten had i not already been in the hospital and gone into labor. But i do know that i got it pretty late in the pregnancy and it wasnt too horribly bad. Ive read that if you get it again it usually isnt as bad and usually will occur at a later point in pregnancy so i guess those are bonus points right? 

The only thing stopping me now is me. I know i need to get health  before i can try again but sometimes i feel so defeated that i just keep putting it off. I need to get into the right mindset and out of this zone that i am in. I have just felt so unhealthy since all of this happened and im pretty sure its not all in my head. I think it really took its toll on me emotionally and physically. 

I want Jace to have someone to grow up with. He has a older brother but they are 10 years apart and i dont think they will ever share that close bond. Its time to get my ass in gear before i hit menopause lol
This will be another journey for sure, but im up for the challange!! 

Life Updates & Such Part 1 - My Pregnancy after Infertility

Wow, where to even begin!? The last couple updates that i made were, hey im finally pregnant and look i had the baby! lol So, i guess ill start there. 

This Blog is more intended for my fellow Cysters and TTC community since i didnt really follow up with you all! 

I found out i was pregnant and i was ecstatic and scared. I remember being so scared that i would almost tip toe when i walked and refused to sneeze, all because i was afraid i would "dislodge" the baby! LOL It all didnt seem real to me, i mean we had tried for 4 years and i wont even lie, there were times that i doubted that i would ever get my miracle. The day that i took the test, hubby was away working, it was 7 20 in the morning. I took a digital test and it was 11 DPO , i stood there in the bathroom staring at the test waiting for the expected yet dreaded words "not pregnant".

This was the first cycle ever that i had used a ovulation kit. We used the clearblue digital test. Of course hubby was against them because they were expensive but i won the fight haha. At the same time i was using fertilaid and preseed. For about a week i would pee on that stick only to get a empty circle, no smiley face and i was getting discouraged. Then one day, IT SMILED AT ME!!! lol i ran into the kitchen and i told Geromy look, he has a face he has a face!! i was excited, this meant my body was doing something right!! lol 

Fast forward to about 9 days after the positive test. Something was up. Hubby had bought me a iced coffee and i SWORE he had dumped rum in it lol! So not logical or anything but it tasted like alcohol, i even accused him of doing it, he thought it was nuts. The next day (10 dpo) i took another ovulation test because i had heard that they could be used as pregnancy tests, no smiley. Oh well. The next morning i took my digital test and it said PREGNANT omg guys, i will NEVER forget that feeling, I was shaking sooooo bad i took a pic and sent it to Geromy. 

He didnt respond so i waited about 15 minutes and called him and told him to check his messages and call me back. He did and apparently he was so excited he hugged his co worker! lol I wish he would have been home that day but it was exciting anyways! 

I dont want to go into too much detail and bore you all to death, so i will just highlight my pregnancy (for those of you who dont already know) For those of you who already know, feel free to wait for the next blog lol 

My estimated due date was Nov 1, 2012 based on LMP but Nov 7 based on ovulation

At 6 weeks i started bleeding, went to er , turns out i had a subchorionic hemorrhage , bled off and on for a few weeks 

HCG levels rising but not doubling, 2nd time i was convinced i was losing the baby :( 

7 weeks saw the heartbeat after i thought i wouldnt! Best feeling in the world <3 

12 weeks diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes , referred to Maternal Fetal Medicine

 I had a lot of ultrasounds and regular testing . I knew i was at a high risk due to pcos , the gestational diabetes etc. 

18 weeks, its a boy!! 

Around 25 weeks i developed Polyhydramnios ( too much amniotic fluid ) Most likely was due to the gestational diabetes, more monitoring.

Around 33/34 weeks i started to not feel right. Just really sluggish and bleh.

At my 34/35 ,  week check, Oct 4th  i told the dr i thought i had been contracting, she checked me, surprise! 4 cm dilated and 90 % effaced 

October 5 Woke up with bad headache, stayed all day, checked bp , was elevated, i had been swollen for a few weeks.  Admitted to L&D for 24 hour urine collection

October 6th 5:30 in the morning, i started contracting and was in active labor, 5 cm dilated. 

Started pitocin, broke waters which seemed to gush forever because there was SO MUCH. i looked like i was having twins lol. 

I was doing great with contractions but kept being pushed to make a decision on epidural so i just went with it, when they put it in, my bp shot up, i couldnt stop shaking, so cold, couldnt breathe started to panic. I think at one point my bp shot up to 200 something over 110 or so, came back down quickly. 

2 p.m or so Started pushing , 4:08 pm Jace was born, he was just so perfect and i was so in love with him! 

The next morning my dr informed me that i was developing severe preeclampsia and i guess partial HELLP syndrome (ill talk more about that later.). At that point my bp was normal and i was doing fine other than the massive pain i was in. Jace and i were discharged the normal 48 hours after birth. 

I will do a 2nd update soon. Right now i need to get off my butt and clean the house!! lol 

Brittany

Here without you baby

"Im here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind, i think about you baby, and i dream about you all the time, im here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams, and tonight its only you and me"

That song gets to me everytime. But really it says it perfectly. I dream about my baby all the time, usually its a boy. He is so cute and perfect and usually looks the same everytime i dream about my baby. It may sound crazy to some people and others know exactly what i mean. When im dreaming its all so real to me and i know that one day my dream will be a reality therefore i have decided that i will never give up until its real. Im usually not one to give up anyways. So if i have to spend the next 20 years trying i will. PCOS may have been making things harder and making it feel almost impossible but i think its just there to make me really cherish a miracle when it finally happens. PCOS is making my life hell is some areas, well alot of them really. My hormones get so out of whack that i cant even think straight sometimes. I get so moody. I have constant pelvic cramps that totally suck. The hair keeps growing in in places that it shouldnt. I hardly eat and yet i still gain the weight. My face breaks out like im a hormonal teenager just hittin puberty. Ugh it just sucks. But i have decided that i will not let it take over my life or define who i am. Its just another block in the road which life is full of. Hope you all have a wonderful day, and no matter what, always stay positive :)

thoughts thoughts and more thoughts

Today has been a rough day for me for many of reasons. So if youve had a great day and dont feel like reading my bitchiness i will understand lol. I have for one decided that im not going to continue this study. I will take the last round of pills i have and pray that it works. Its just too stressful dealing with the dr visit every two weeks or so and the blood draws and the ultrasounds and the pills and the charting and temping. The negative pregnancy test really screw with me every month too. I have found that i am so stressed out that i am snapping at everything and everyone about anything. I am constantly on edge and it sucks. Its making everything in my life seem like its 100 times worse than it really is and truthfully i cant stand myself for it. I dont intend on stopping the whole ttc thing, maybe just not trying as hard, I feel like i am a slave to infertility and i think its ruining my life haha. So i will continue temping and tracking ovulation and am even thinkin about going back on metformin. In the future i may decided to go back full force but now is totally not the time. Maybe stressing a bit less will even help. Being in a study for fertility was a bit more than i thought it would be. I mean, you have to BD according to their schedule or you cant even be in it. Now that was prolly the hardest thing hubby and i dealt with. It even caused us to fight a couple of times. So that just added more stress lol Anyways, moving right along...

Since i got 7th heavens first two seasons and watched them all, i have this sudden urge to be like annie camden.

This is seriously like a modern day supermom. She does everything! Seriously, who has time in one day to do all the things that she does. Raise 5 kids, deal with all their problems, keeps her husband happy, cooking, baking, cleaning, laundry. wow she is my role model lol lol Yeah i told my hubby tonight that i want to be like her, still got a ways to go but i think i can do it! I truly wanna be a stay at home wife and mother and dammit thats what im going to do!

so my plans for tomorrow is to clean. Like really clean. I live with three guys and its almost impossible to keep this place clean! Is it really that hard to put the toilet seat down??? I dont think so. Im telling you, one of these days my butt is going to get stuck in the toilet bowl and it wont be too funny to have to call the fire department to get me out!! HaHa ok maybe a little funny, but come on guys, have some respect for the lady in the house!

I think while im at it i will go through everything in the house and get rid of some stuff. I think we may have to much randomness going on over here. Ok well thats enough of my thoughts for the night. LOL night all