Thursday, January 19, 2012

TTC ramblings

Im still trying to get back into this whole blogging thing. Trying to come up with ideas on what to post about and such, it used to come so easily to me. Now i literally sit here and think and think and think to come up with ideas. So i suppose today i will just talk about the random things i would have been posting, had my computer not crashed and burned on me last year. I'll start with most recent and work my way back.

I will warn you, if you are not in the ttc-infertility-pcos group, some of these things are things that you might not want to read. But seeing as how im sure MOST of you are here goes...

Sex and TTC

Im pretty sure im not the only one who realizes that ttc takes almost all the fun, passion, and excitement out of sex. It starts to feel more and more like a chore as the weeks, months, and years go by. It will be four years in April since we first started ttc and sadly, its a rareity that we just have spotaneous , un aimed sex! Aound ovulation time.. things get awkward, theres nothing like some good old fashioned please take your pants off whether you want to or not because its that time, sex.
And then theres the" omg honey, you should see my CM this month, its soooo stretchy! (not the most romantic way to initate baby dancing)  lol Anyways, one day this will all be worth it.

I started taking Fertilaid a couple months ago. Wasnt sure how it was going to work out for me but i decided to give it a try. First month i took it i took it in combination with Fertil CM. Not only did i have what i think to be my first EWCM, but it knocked my cycle down to 28 days exact. Nothing better than being able to use a all natural supplement and having it do the same thing birth control pills do but not taking away your fertility, but actually enhancing it! I love it so i orderd more this month. Today is CD 29 though, and still nothing. Waiting to test though because i dont think i could stand another dissapointment right now.

 I am trying my best to stay strong and to keep hope but its just been so long of trying and i cant help but wonder, whens it my turn??? I have stopped taking all meds except the fertilaid, so no anxiety meds, no sleeping meds, all in attempts to help my fertility and to make sure in case i get pregnant that i do not harm the baby. This is hard for me to do because i have a severe anxiety disorder that prevents me from sleeping because im too worried. So i bought some melatonin thinking that it would be an all natural supplement to help me sleep and would be perfectly safe, WRONG! Melatonin actually can inhibit you from ovulating due to the effects it has on your reproductive hormones andddd it can cause some types of birth defects in the first trimester *sad face* that was my only hope for naturally helping with sleep. So the last couple nights i have manged to get to sleep but only for like 5 or six hours and i dont feel like it was good sleep if that makes any sense.

My patience seems to be running thin lately. TTC is for sure taking its tole on me. Im just tired of it. Now i dont mean that i will stop ttc because i will not stop until i get my miracle but emotionally im tired. TTC is more than just timing sex right, charting, pills, its a emotional roller coaster. The hopes and signs each month thinking, this is it.. and then the dreaded BFN. Its seeing others getting their BFPs and trying to sooo hard to be happy for them and not jealous. Its walking near the baby isles in the stores and feeling hopeless and sad and essentially even crying. Its seeing pregnant women every where you go and wishing it was you. Its anger, its hope, its faith, its everything all wrapped up into one. I will continue to pray and know that god has a plan for me  and that one day it will happen. Even if i am blessed with just once child , i will feel like the luckiest woman in the world. <3

1 comment:

  1. Girl... I can SO RELATE to everything you are feeling! I felt the exact same way when I was TTC! Be patient and hang in there! Ill be praying for you ;)