Thursday, December 30, 2010

thoughts thoughts and more thoughts

Today has been a rough day for me for many of reasons. So if youve had a great day and dont feel like reading my bitchiness i will understand lol. I have for one decided that im not going to continue this study. I will take the last round of pills i have and pray that it works. Its just too stressful dealing with the dr visit every two weeks or so and the blood draws and the ultrasounds and the pills and the charting and temping. The negative pregnancy test really screw with me every month too. I have found that i am so stressed out that i am snapping at everything and everyone about anything. I am constantly on edge and it sucks. Its making everything in my life seem like its 100 times worse than it really is and truthfully i cant stand myself for it. I dont intend on stopping the whole ttc thing, maybe just not trying as hard, I feel like i am a slave to infertility and i think its ruining my life haha. So i will continue temping and tracking ovulation and am even thinkin about going back on metformin. In the future i may decided to go back full force but now is totally not the time. Maybe stressing a bit less will even help. Being in a study for fertility was a bit more than i thought it would be. I mean, you have to BD according to their schedule or you cant even be in it. Now that was prolly the hardest thing hubby and i dealt with. It even caused us to fight a couple of times. So that just added more stress lol Anyways, moving right along...
Since i got 7th heavens first two seasons and watched them all, i have this sudden urge to be like annie camden.
This is seriously like a modern day supermom. She does everything! Seriously, who has time in one day to do all the things that she does. Raise 5 kids, deal with all their problems, keeps her husband happy, cooking, baking, cleaning, laundry. wow she is my role model lol lol Yeah i told my hubby tonight that i want to be like her, still got a ways to go but i think i can do it! I truly wanna be a stay at home wife and mother and dammit thats what im going to do!
so my plans for tomorrow is to clean. Like really clean. I live with three guys and its almost impossible to keep this place clean! Is it really that hard to put the toilet seat down??? I dont think so. Im telling you, one of these days my butt is going to get stuck in the toilet bowl and it wont be too funny to have to call the fire department to get me out!! HaHa ok maybe a little funny, but come on guys, have some respect for the lady in the house!
I think while im at it i will go through everything in the house and get rid of some stuff. I think we may have to much randomness going on over here. Ok well thats enough of my thoughts for the night. LOL night all

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Temp dropped this AM

So last night after i got over the whole BFFN i started to think maybe i would be one of those people who gets late BFP. So my hope was raised just a bit and i figured i would wait a couple days and test again. So much for that my temp dropped this morning down to the cover line and im all sorts of crampy today. Ugh i hate u mother nature, what did i do to deserve you coming around again? I thought i asked you nicely to stay away  for at least 9 months. I see that being nice gets me no where lol.
Anyways i think im ok with this now, in a few days i will start my next round of pills and hubby says were going to try as hard as we can this month. Were also going to use pre-seed to see if maybe that helps.
Today i intend on some, Winter Cleaning. The house needs it really. And my stepson seems to think that i am his private maid service therefore he can just make messes everywhere and i will clean them up! LOL its time for a reality check! talk to you all later and hope you have a wonderful day :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I knew it would be the hardest

Well i havent wrote for a few days, since before christmas. So here is a recap of things that have been going on.
Christmas day was  pretty good. I got up on christmas morning and took a pregnancy test with all the hope and confidence in the world. It was Negative. Ugh. I cried for a bit and picked myself back up and did my very best to have a good day and told myself i prolly tested early again. I was 11 dpo. Had a pretty good rest of the day with hubby and my dad.  I feel very blessed to have gotten the things that i did. Got most of what i wanted actually. Hubby got me a new digital camera, i got a few movies i wanted ( twilight eclipse, my sisters keeper, & Remember me) i got two seasons of 7th heaven, seasons 1 & 2. I got my fav perfume, curve, A make up brush kit and my favorite of all, my new bedding set i have been wanting for quite sometime. A dark brown comforter and a light blue sheet set. 450 thread count and oh so comfy, here is a pic, but it does no justice lol
haha sorry about the mess on the bed was putting christmas stuff away:) A big thanks to my hubby and my dad for getting this for me even though they could not figure out why it was so expensive :)
We didnt have Lil Geromy Christmas day but we did have him sunday evening, for those of you who do not know, we have him everyother week for a week at a time. Anyways here are some pictures from sunday when he got here and got to open his presents.
" oh no, is it clothes?"

woo hoo grandpa del got him a psp!

Nothing too much went on on monday hubby was off work so we spent most of the day watching 7th heaven lol.
Today was pretty uneventful as well, except when i realized i was 14 dpo and my temps were still up and no signs of af, so as usual i got really excited and was thinkin :this is it" hubby and i went and got a 3 pack of first response HPT and i was soooo nervous when i went to take the test that my heart was pounding. I watched it as it read, and sadly, it was only one pink, lonely line. I walked into the bedroom layed down and cried for prolly about an hour. Hysterically. I knew this would be the hardest month for me since everything was lookin so positive and we did everything right, so i was just, devastated.

there it is. ugly stupid BFFN yes there is an extra "f" in there and im sure you can all figure out what it means ;) So i guess its on to next month. Have a great night everyone.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

A couple firsts for me this week.

This week has been very chaotic and busy around here. We were out more than we were home, hell i even think we spent more time at target than we did at home. This house was a disaster this morning thankfully i got it mostly cleaned up. All the christmas gifts are wrapped and i finally got my christmas cards sent out lol. Hopefully they get there before new years at this point. Tuesday night me, hubby and dad went to carrabas italian grill for dinner, omg it was fantastic!!! I had never been there before but it was surely a great place!
Last night my hubby took me to see TRON at the 3d imax it was sooo awesome! The screen was like five stories tall and like 20 wide. it was soo much fun and the movie was great too. Its been quite a long time since hubby and i have had a night to ourselves. When we got out of the theatre it was sooo foggy outside we could barely see 30 ft in front of our faces, so it was a pretty interesting ride home at 30 mph haha.
Now some updates about my lil infertility journey, I broke down this morning and took a hpt and well, it was a BFN.  Im pretty sure i tested a bit to early so im thinking im going to test sunday maybe. Not sure yet. My temps are still up so im not giving up hope yet. Im just so scared that this cycle will be a bust i think it will be the hardest. I keep looking at the presents under the tree and thinkin about how wonderful it would be to have something under there for baby. :(
Anyways im pretty sure that im gettin sick. My throat and the back of my sinus' are hurting, ick. Just in time for christmas huh.

Christmas Survey


1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Well i will wrap but gift bags are sooo much easier!

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial

3. When do you put up the tree? LOL if i had it my way i would put it up after halloween haha

4. When do you take the tree down? Sometime after the first of the year

5. Do you like eggnog? Ewwww no!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A little doll that was a mermaid and her fin chaged colors in the bath!

7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad.

8. Easiest person to buy for? Hubby

9. Do you have a nativity scene? nope, not yet

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? mail even tho they turned out like crap and i just got them sent out today!

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? ummm Mac n Chesse hahaha

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The santa clause or Prancer

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? In October

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Nope

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Ham!

16. Lights on the tree (colored or clear)? Blue

17. Favorite Christmas song? the carol of the bells!

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Dasher dancer prancer comit cupid donner and vixen??? lol

20. Angel, star or ribbon on top of tree? Star

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning. i like to do things the traditional way.

22. Favorite children’s Christmas song? Jingle bells

23. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The rude people shopping

24. Favorite ornament theme or color? This year is the first year hubby and i went and bought our own ornaments and we decided on blue glitter and silver glitter, so pretty!

25. Turkey or ham on Christmas day? Ham of course

26. What do you want for Christmas this year? A BFP

27. Does anyone in your family dress up as Santa? Nope

28. Age you discovered who Santa was?I think i was 8

29. Eggnog, hot chocolate, or apple cider? Hot chocolate

30. Traditional colors (red and green) or other colors? Blue And Silver

31. Do you have any Christmas decorations on your roof? nope

32. How does Santa get into your house? Chimney or magic key? Duh, when he comes he makes a chimmney to go down!

33. Do you prefer gifts or gift cards? Gifts or cards, doesnt matter really.

34. Favorite children’s Christmas Cartoon? Charlie Brown 

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dont wanna be let down again.

So its been like a week or so since i have wrote on here, i apologize for that :) So here is an update for about the last week or so.
CD 14 woo hoo i got a temp spike, Its about that time!
CD 15 up even higher!
CD 16 again even higher!
CD 17 Still up!
CD 18 truckin along....
CD 19 same
CD 20 temp went wayyyyy low, was very dissapointed and was in a pissy mood all day long becuase i thought that this meant that 1, af was coming early or 2, i didnt actually ovulate. I was bitchy all day long and was so bummed out, i totally took it out on my hubby and my dad, Ugh poor guys. Anyways, i decided to look up why my temp would dip back down like that, there was two reasons. 1, short luteal phase, i know i dont have that so i kept looking and came across what is called implantation dip that can happen as early as 4DPO! I freaked i told hubby and i was so excited i wished that i wasnt so excited because i didnt wanna be let down again. An implantation dip is when u get a dip in your BBT after ovulation. When u get this it only goes down for one day, indicating that implantation has prolly occured. SO of course i got way nervous and thought, no my temp wont go back up tomorrow.
CD 21 OMG my temp shot up even higher than before, i was again, way excited! Told hubby and i could tell that he was trying to hold his composure and not get overly excited because its not a for sure thing. I couldnt help myself. Anyways Today is CD 21 and i had a dr appt this morning at the fertility clinic. It was my mid luteal appointment to see if i ovulated. The dr was doing the normal U/S and explaning it to me and geromy as he went a long and he was great! This was the first time we got to see this dr and i was totally impressed. Anyways, At first he told us he prolly wouldnt be able to tell if i had ovulated just by the ultrasound. Well he saw my uterus lining and it was totalllly thick and bright he said that means i most likely ovulated, woo hoo! I knew i had, then he was checking my ovaries and you could literally see where i ovulated on my left ovary, it was crazy and then he was for sure! Again, i was so happy. He said i should know by christmas if all the Baby dancing has paid off lol. I am sooo excited and so confident but i am trying not to let myself feel this way because i soooo dont wanna be let down again. I think if i have a negative test this month, it will be the hardest one for me ever!
Christmas is only a few days away and we are almost all done shopping and have everything ready. Im very ready for the new year and hoping that i will get my lil miracle for the new year!! We even already have names picked out. Now i would say what they are, but im so paranoid someone will take them lol lol. Maybe i will soon. IDK. Anyways thats all for tonight. I hope you are all doing well. Goonight

Terrific Tunes Tuesday

"Love Story"

Ay bay it won't end, won't end, won't end

Let's talk about love

This is my love story

Boy meets girl and looks in her eyes
Time stands still and two hearts catch fire
Off they go rollercoaster ride
Up & down and around...
Twisted all out they minds
And then his friends
Said "its too soon to settle down"
And then her friends
Said "he's a playa, slow it down"
They couldn't be who they was
Cause it just seemed like love
Wasn't on they side
But this isn't ...

Just another love story
Together we'll make history
I know because it's just too real
They'll be no end to our love story
And this ain't gon end up
Like that Casablanca movie...no
This ain't no fairy tale or fiction
This is truly
Ours for the eternity
They'll be no end to our love story
Baby...

Chapter two...
When they meet up again
Second time around
See but they're just friends
But the feelings still strong
And it's been too long
To be trippin' like they ain't been missing
They on the phone like
Ay bay bay
Let's meet up today
Gots bout an hour or two
You might as well come thru

We can make it like it was
Just the two of us
Back up on that rollercoaster
Like we been supposed to
Cause this isn't

Just another love story
Together we'll make history
I know because it's destiny
They'll be no end to our love story
And this ain't gon end up
Like that Casablanca movie...no
This ain't no fairy tale or fiction
This is truly
Ours for the eternity
They'll be no end to our love story
Baby...

Just when it seemed
Like all the odds
Were stacked against them
They came back stronger then before
Matter fact then some
Stronger then pride
Lookin' like them
Lookin' like her, lookin' like him
Stronger then hate
And the whole world too
Lookin' like me
Lookin' like you

Cause this isn't just another love story
Together we'll make history
I know because it's destiny
They'll be no end to our love story
And this ain't gon end up
Like that Casablanca movie...no
This ain't no fairy tale or fiction
This is truly
Ours for the eternity
They'll be no end to our love story
Baby...
Ay bay bay it won't end, won't end, won't end

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My year- 2010

So i thought i would do a post summing up my whole year, 2010. This should be fun. I cant say that 2010 was the best year, but it was OK. So here we go. This year i have changed in soo many ways. I feel like i have grown up quite a bit compared to 2009. It was not easy trying to find the person i was to become as an adult and i really struggled with it. I dont feel like i am the same person i was a year ago for the following reasons.
I no longer feel the "need" to be single and party with friends and drink. I have not had a drink in almost 9 months actually. That is so a thing of the past for me. It was hard to come to the conclusion that im just getting to old for that. I am finally able to be content in my marriage and not feel like i am missing out on so much of life.
I dont even listen to the same music. LOL thats a funny one, i used to be all about the hip hop and rap stuff but not anymore, i listen to alternative and country. Still some rnb tho. I guess listening to rap and hip hop reminds me of the person i used to be so thats why i listened to it.
I am a total house wife. Thats all i do. I clean, i take care of the kid. Feed and water the animals. Do the laundry. Cook meals. Make sure that everyone is ok and has what they need. Just call me miss suzie homemaker because thats what i am and i am totally ok with that. ;)
I LOVE my husband. LOL again that sounds weird but hubby and i have had a lot of problems in the past that caused us to separate multiple times. I never felt content with him and our marriage so i would find every excuse, some good some stupid to end things but we always ended up back together  <3 thats why i know were meant to be. Things are great for us now and were stronger than ever. I am more in love with him than i thought i could ever be and its amazing. Sometimes he makes me really angry but thats ok.
I have gained friends and i have lost friends. Many of my friends are no longer in my life for various reasons. I have out grown them. I know that sounds weird but its true. we just werent into the same things and i feel that a lot of them were "no good" because of what they stood for and represented. The ones that still matter and always were are still there. Shelby that means you! lol. my bff.
I graduated from school for medical assisting only to find out that no one would hire me because i didnt have 3 years experience. Oh well, moving along to better things.
My whole sense of style has changed as well. I do not feel the need to but top dollar clothing and stay with whats in fashion. Being that whats in fashion most of the time nowdays looks like crap thats ok with me too lol. I go for the comfy and cute look.
Target has become my new favorite store. It used to be wal mart not no more. that place scares me and i only go there when i really have to.
I have become addicted to having multiple pairs of pj's lol.
I have switched from black eyeliner to brown.
I tie my should now rather than just putting the strings in my shoes lol lol
I clean more than i used to, it just needs to be done.
I stopped drinking soda, 11 days ago and counting. I got a fantastic tat for pcos on my foot. It hurt like hell, see pics below.
I am back to doing webpage designs, mostly for blogs. Havent really done that since i was like 15 or so.
I am getting into photography.
I am learning that i am not always right, just most of the time lol
I worked as a clinicians assistant at a research company. That only lasted like four months and i really dont wanna talk about it haha
 i got into scrapbooking and digital scrapbooking and yes i am addicted.
I leanred to play magic the gathering just to make my hubby happy,

Now onto the highlights of my year.

I went to my first ever reniassance festival and it was freaking awesome i totally loved it and we plan to go again next year.
I finally got to see the colorado springs parade of lights after trying to for like four years.
My neice, Allura Chevelle Green was born and she is just beautiful.
I got into a pcos and pregnancy study to hopefully help us have a baby, fingers crossed. it was truly a blessing to find this study it pays for everything!!
Sadly i watched my very pregnany guinny pig, rosie, die from complications :( so sad. RIP Rosie
I have finally accepted god into my life.
I had a funky rash that popped up that not even like 8 drs could figure out what it was. 3 creams and like 5 antibiotics, 1 steriod later it just went away. It drove me and the drs nutty.
I became a great aunt! Audreyna Marie!

Some Current Favorites

Movies
Fireproof
My Girl (always)
7 pounds
Marley & Me
The lake House
Paranormal Activity
Juno

Songs

Stuck like glue
If i die yound
Do i
What hurts the most
While im waiting
I would die for that

Perfumes {because im addicted lol}

Curve
Roxy
Anything J Lo
Curve Crush
Burberry touch
and one that the bff wears, not sure what its called haha


This year i have loved, lost, hated, laughed, cried, been happy been sad, been surpirsed, been amazed, been tested i have learned i have forgot i have been scared i have been confidant. I have failed i have succeded. I have prayed most of all i have lived! And im thankful for all of it. 
Here are some pics from 2010, enjoy!




{Audreyna Marie}

{ Allura }


{Braedyn Kylur}


{lil geromy and jason}


{Lil Bro Patrick holdin Allura}






{left to right- Grandma with Allura Neice Dallas& Sister Lisa}

{Me and Allura}

{neice Zoe}

{neice Kayla}

{Sis Lisa And Mom}

{Hubby And Mom}

{Hubby And Me}

{Hubby working hard}

{preggo Rosie, RIP babygirl}

{My hubby, The Burger King LOL}

{Lil Geromy fell asleep in the waiting room}

{hubby and I at quail lake}

{at Quail Lake}

{rawr}

{dad fishing at the lake}





{Feeding the goats}


{me}


{the three of us}

{My PCOS Tat}

{me}

{sister Rhiannon turned 21}

{Sisters Rhiannon And Lisa}

{step brother Dayne and Lisa}

{me}


Terrific Tunes Tuesday

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh


The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls


I love, love, love this song!!




"Wait"

A fellow "ttc cyster" of mine had this poem on her blog and i think its amazing so i wanted to share it with all of you, i hope you enjoy it as much as i do.

"Wait" By Russel Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait".


"Wait?" You say wait?"my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no', to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, " You must wait".
So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to Kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night;
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! If you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And through oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all....is still...wait." 

Babies and things

So the hubby and i decided quite sometime ago that we werent going to be the type that goes out and buys the baby stuff until we are actually pregnant. We figured that would be setting our hopes to high so since we have decided that, i just go to the store and look at the things that i would get when i get pregnant. LOL so the other day i took my camera to target with us and took some pictures of some of the things that i want to get for our baby.
I totally love this, its blue brown and a light green, so i guess i could say that i would get it for a girl or boy. BTW hubby thinks it would be better to get one of these rather than a whole crib. that works for me :)

Now, If i knew it was a girl i would prolly go with this one its sooo damn cute!! Im totally into this brown thing anymore, its like the new black! :)
awww i loveee this is so cute. I really want a girl!!
so as i sit here having hot flashes and feeling like crap from the fertility meds, i look at these and it somehow makes it all worth it, I really hope this is our month, would be a christmas miracle for me :)