Monday, January 3, 2011

stressing

Now that i know its too late to say that i wanna stay in the study, im starting to stress alot about getting pregnant. Im hoping this this cycle will work, currently on cd6 and day 4 of the clomid and i just dont know what i will do if i doesnt work this month. I kept telling myself that i would just keep charting and temping in every attempt to make sure that we dont miss ovulation, but what if ovulation doesnt happen? what if this study was my only shot at getting pregnant? I have found today that im more stressed than usual about this and kinda feel like im starting to get depressed about it. Why is it that women have to go through infertility like this when our bodies are designed to make babies to keep "life" going? its just not fair and im getting very frustrated with all of it. Am i not meant to be the one thing that i want to be most? ugh :( idk anymore. I dream all the time about having a baby and while im dreaming, its all so real. And then, i wake up feeling more and more sad everytime i realize that it was just a dream. I have so much love for a baby that i dont even have and wonder if i ever will. My life feels so incomplete right now and i hate it. When will it be my turn? I am trying to hard to not to turn bitter and angry over all of this but sometimes i just cant help it. I dont feel like i deserve this. I am mad. I am sad. I am devastated.  Sorry if this was a depressing post but its just how im feeling right now.
Night all.

1 comment:

  1. Your feelings are never depressing. I completely understand how you feel. I'm glad you are writing about those feelings and dreams here, I am relate and it helps me to know that I'm not alone! Try to keep smiling and somehow, someday it will all work out and you will be holding your own miracle!

    ReplyDelete