Thursday, February 27, 2014

Pregnancy #2 & Related fears

I always have wanted to have 3 kids. The typical 3 kids, cat and a dog, house with a white fence etc. I knew from a early age that i was most likely going to have problems getting pregnant because my cycles were just so messed up. It took 4 long years to get to baby #1. The older Jace has gotten the more and more I am wanting to start trying for baby # 2 but i feel like i cant. I am scared of having Preeclampsia and or HELLP syndrome again. I am afraid that if i do get it again it will kill me. Many times i have gone back and forth with myself, with hubby about the possibility of just not having another baby. These thoughts have even gone as far as keeping me up all night with different scenarios running through my mind. These thoughts have taken up hours and hours of daily thoughts. I have decided that i will have one more. I have not started trying yet, im still very scared and i dont feel nearly healthy enough to become pregnant right now. I wish i was. I wish i didnt have to have these fears running through my mind all the time. I envy women who can get pregnant easily and have happy, healthy pregnancies. I feel cheated. As a woman i feel that its what i am meant to do and its problem after problem. Problem getting pregnant, problems during pregnancy, problems after pregnancy. 
Statistically speaking, preeclampsia is know as "the first pregnancy condition". Often times it doesnt repeat itself in later pregnancies but at the same time it often does. I guess it all depends on other factors such as, how early or late in the pregnancy you got it, how bad did you have it etc. For me, i developed it at 35/36 weeks, i do not know how severe it would have gotten had i not already been in the hospital and gone into labor. But i do know that i got it pretty late in the pregnancy and it wasnt too horribly bad. Ive read that if you get it again it usually isnt as bad and usually will occur at a later point in pregnancy so i guess those are bonus points right? 
The only thing stopping me now is me. I know i need to get health  before i can try again but sometimes i feel so defeated that i just keep putting it off. I need to get into the right mindset and out of this zone that i am in. I have just felt so unhealthy since all of this happened and im pretty sure its not all in my head. I think it really took its toll on me emotionally and physically. 
I want Jace to have someone to grow up with. He has a older brother but they are 10 years apart and i dont think they will ever share that close bond. Its time to get my ass in gear before i hit menopause lol
This will be another journey for sure, but im up for the challange!! 

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